I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
