yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
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