If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
