My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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