I just saw a hot homeless man
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Randomize
