i'm lost and i look like a hooker
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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