I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Ladies don't puke and tell
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