No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
