What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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