It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
