So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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