The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Randomize
