Even the bartender felt bad for me
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize