So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Randomize
