it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Randomize
