I am midnight drunk by noon
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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