I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
In other news, I just burned my penis
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
