i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Four minutes until I can fart!
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
