We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
