did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
