well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
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