Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Randomize
