are you still at the devil's house?
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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