I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
