I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
