new low.... made out with someone while peeing
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
