well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
