mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize