a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
