mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
50% drunk capacity currently
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
