nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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