Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Randomize