Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
