Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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