Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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