I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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