My first STD was from a foam party
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize