Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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