just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
