If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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