I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
