were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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