I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
