Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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