You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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