you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
