I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Randomize