Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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