I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
