You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
