remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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