So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
why is half of my head shaved?
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