either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Someone signed my nipple.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
