i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
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