There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I'm drive I can fine osifer
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize