dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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